Thursday, October 10, 2013

American Horror Story Awesomeness (spoilers)


As I should have expected, AHS impressed me yet again with a premiere filled with "what the fuck?!" and "Jesus fucking Christ!" moments. It's got it all. Kathy Bates covers her face in pancreas blood. Jessica Lange sucks the youth out of a young doctor-man (but so would I, if I could). And Precious star Gabourey Sidibe, a human voodoo doll who can stab herself to hurt other people, sneaks food at night.

The episode was packed with witty one-liners, like when Precious asks Emma Roberts (who plays a movie star) when she made her last movie--a question most viewers have been asking about Precious. It also gives fans a flash back to the romance between Evan Peters and Taissa Farmiga--a romance that I was certainly not missing, but I'm sure some die-hard fans are super-excited to see this again.

So...to recap last nights episode, these are the things it taught me:


1) Angela Bassett is gorgeous.

I've always thought she was beautiful, but that was back when she was relevant...in the 90s. But she's still hot. Super hot. I thought about switching a few times throughout the episode, which wasn't hard because there wasn't any good man-candy anyway. I'm sorry, but Evan Peters does nothing for me.

2) Jessica Lange should wear heels always.

She's no Angela Bassett, but she's still hot. And did you see her feet when she stepped out of the car? Yes. Wear them as much as possible JL.

3) Ryan Murphy has decided to do a season of AHS as X-Men with witches.

I might be understating this, but it's true. The show opens with that girl from Season 1 (Taissa whatever) pulling a Rogue by killing her boyfriend with her "touch" (she actually killed him with her twat, but same difference, right?). Sarah Paulson, the headmistress of the boarding school, is Professor X. Jessica Lange is Magneto. Kathy Bates, as a friend of mine pointed out, is Apocalypse.
 
Do I blame Ryan Murphy for stealing X-Men to create Season 3 of AHS? Hell, no. X-Men is awesome and so was this episode. If the season promises to be anything like the first episode, I'm completely on board.

So, X-Men-plagiarism considered, here's a quick overview of the characters' powers:

Sarah Paulson - potions wiz. Apparently, she's gonna show us all that she is super-powerful at some point, but she's got a bit of a Jean Grey thing going on, where she isn't willing to exercise her powers to their full ability.

Jessica Lange - everything except feeling youth and vitality.

Precious - human voodoo doll (as mentioned previously).

The down girl from Season 1 - clairvoyant, and she's gonna be obnoxious about it. It's that old, "I know what your future is, and I'm gonna tell you, so watch out Julius Caesar!"

Angela Basset - voodoo queen (is that a power?).

Kathy Bates - must have the power that Jessica Lange doesn't have, cause she doesn't age when Lange digs her up from the street.

Emma Roberts - telekinetic. She flips a bus at one point. But for being an actress, she isn't much into dramatics. The bus had several guys that had raped her on it, and she just tosses it upside-down. If I wanted to punish my rapists, I would want to brutally torture them. Am I wrong here?

Girl from Season 1 - murdering vagina (initially I wrote boy-killing vagina, but I don't think it has a preference).

4) Few things are more satisfying than watching Emma Roberts get train banged by assholes.

I don't know. I'm not a big fan. And it's not something you see a lot on TV, so there was something cathartic about it...perhaps just because I'm a horrible person.

So...that's a wrap for the first episode, but the second looks like it's gonna be just as jaw-dropping, so I'm eager to see where the season goes. If this season is anything like the last two, the moment I think things are going in one direction, they'll change and move in a completely different one.