Monday, October 14, 2013

On my Obsession with Piryanka Chopra...

*Heads up: this post is loaded with videoclips. There's only one you must see. It's the one that has a big, bold message: The Only Video You Need to Watch heading. 

I sometimes wonder how many American peeps my age are Bollywood fans. Based on the ones I encounter on a daily basis, it doesn't seem like there are too many. But here's the scoop: during the heyday of Netflix InstantPlay, me and my brother got obsessed with Bollywood films. It's interesting, because neither of us are big fans of musicals. I have a hard time watching musical numbers unless it's a cartoon or puppets (Avenue Q). For whatever reason, though, I put on Dhoom 2, a Bollywood action film starring a series of long names: Abhishek Bachchan, Uday Chopra, Hrithik Roshan, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. This is actually the number that got me hooked.

Somehow I dragged my brother into this movie and re-watched all 152 minutes of it with him. After that, we started hunting down good Bollywood films on Netflix. To our satisfaction, we found several, a few that starred one gorgeous lady: Piryanka Chopra (aka former Miss World). One of my favorites was Dostana, a knock-off of Adam Sandler's I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Here's a bit that I adore that will allow you to experience the glorious beauty of Piryanka.

My breeder brother, of course, thought she was gorgeous and wanted to fuck the shit out of her, and I didn't blame him, cause that girl could turn me. Anyway, our Bollywood obsession came and went, and one night, my dad and brother were watching football and my bro called for me. When  I looked at the TV screen, who did I see? That's right! Our girl, Piryanka: right here.

It took a little time, but I managed to convince my brother that it really was her (that we weren't just lost in some magical dream). I googled to see what was up and discovered that she'd released a single:

The Only Video You Need to Watch:


Everybody's welcome...we ain't got no worries...she knows you're gonna like it...you ain't gonna wanna leave...her pussy! She says "city," but she's not fooling anyone. I haven't seen such obnoxious faux-innuendo since Britney's "If You Seek Amy." I still sing this on occasion, especially if my brother's in earshot. So flash forward a little bit. Me and my boyfriend discovered this song, "Exotic," while we were on a road-trip:


This was more what "In My Pussy City" should have been: a series of sexy shots of the gorgeous former Miss World, who I can only imagine left Bollywood because she feared her hand over hand dance moves were not enough to compete with the real dancers in the Bollywood market.

Although I adore the video, I think media critic and feminist leader Jennifer Pozner would murder me in the face for liking it. It is the total embodiment of Andrea Smith's third pillar of white supremacy: colonialism. Piryanka is presented as beautiful and enchanting, but ultimately (as we see in the scene where she's flashing mean eyes and dancing in black in the wilderness) dangerous. It really is the most stereotypical representation that could possibly be conceived, but I love it. This is why I'm a shitty feminist. Because I see evil, and say, "I love you!" Oh, tsk, tsk, tisk. The end is nigh.

Anyway, I hope that if you had not been previously exposed to Piryanka, you're like, "Oh my God, this girl's amazing!" If you already knew who she was, I hope you're like, "Oh my God, someone else who knows who the fuck she is!"