Friday, October 18, 2013

Reflecting on First Times with Carrie (The Movie with Spacek)

"Arg! I hate it when people tag me in photos!"
With the new Carrie movie coming out today, I'm eagerly thinking back to my first time with Carrie. Not the book. The movie. Though I've read several Stephen King books, surprisingly I never got around to Carrie. Perhaps I need to add that to the bookshelf. At any rate, what I want to focus on is that first, magical moment with the cinematic masterpiece. I was fourteen. I was hopeful. I was eager. I was excited about life...I was a lot like Fantine when she was skipping through the fields with her douchebag lover. And then I saw a bunch of high school girls launching tampons at a blood-drenched, bug-eyed Sissy Spacek. I remember thinking, "Girls are horrible. I'm gonna go with dudes." Just kidding. If only I'd come to terms with my sexuality at that age...imagine all the STDs I could have had by now #unfinishedbucketlists.

Admittedly, I wasn't the most attractive fourteen-year-old. I was about twenty pounds overweight. I let my hair grow out till it draped around my Powder-esque complexion, which contrasted beautifully with bright red acne. At the time, I was a good Catholic boy, and I believed in a benevolent God (which considering my appearance, was odd. He certainly had never done anything to earn that adjective). Clearly, I wasn't a very good Catholic. As any real Catholic knows, there is no benevolent God. There is only a money-hungry, guilt-mongering God that envies our affections and is like an omniscient Christian Grey (for those who don't get the reference, you are the lucky ones). I digress. My point was that I was an ugly, round, faggy thing that was an easy victim for teasing, so it was easy for me to sympathize with a girl who I thought I was just like--even though I was never bullied to the extremes that exist only in the dystopian nightmares that King writes. But what can I say? I was over-dramatic. I totally thought me and Carrie would have been best buds. Looking back, I know if someone had handed me a tampon, I would have chucked it at her and said, "You disgusting cunt! What's wrong with you?!" I wish I could say that I've changed, but the reality is, if I had kids, I'm sure I'd be chasing them around the house, screaming, "No wire hangers in this clean closet!" And wire hangers don't even annoy me! Kids, on the other hand...

At the time, though, I totally thought, "That girl's just like me." And I watched those bitches and assholes plot against her, shouting at the TV, "Why are you doing this?!" Fortunately, the brief cathartic moment arrived where Carrie telekinetics the shit out of her peers. I think most people who watch that moment have very specific people that they can put in John Travolta and P.J. Soles places. I sure did. And then she went home to her mother. Like my delusion about having peers like Carrie's, I totally thought I could relate to Carrie's psychotic mother. My mom is a wonderful person, and when she forced me to do things like homework or study, I somehow thought that was comparable to her screaming, "They're all gonna laugh at you!" or trying to kill me because she thought I was the devil. I guess when you're high on hormones and puberty, it's hard to see the world as it really is.

Although, let's be real for second. It didn't exactly make telekinesis seem like the most awesome power in the world. Or I should say, 1976 special effects didn't make telekinesis seem like the most awesome power in the world. In fact, I wonder if they just hired the Escape to Witch Mountain (1975) guys because they knew they could just tie a string to something and pull it to make a person look like they were altering the physical manifestations of our world with their mind. But I guess CGI has spoiled me. Certainly, the new Carrie will have plenty of masturbatory special effects (and speaking of which, probably a hot guy to take the place of JT. Quick search. I was wrong. Don't worry. I looked it up, and now you don't have to. The one replacing JT doesn't seem to have any good shirtless pics. And the shirtless pics of the guy playing Carrie's prom date make me feel like a pedophile. Well...hmmm...At least we'll always have this:


Ah...much better).

Well, here's to hoping the new torso...I mean, Carrie, will be awesome.

(Side note: has anyone else seen the tagline "You will know her name" and thought, "We already do, dumbasses"?)